Way back in the beginning of our relationship, in the getting to know you stages, the question of adoption came up. We both said it was something that we might want to consider some day and then quickly moved on to a much lighter topic. Well, two boys later and here we are.
I've always wanted a girl. Not that I have anything against boys. I couldn't imagine my life without my boys, but I can't put their hair in ponytails, paint their fingernails or go prom or wedding dress shopping with them. The more I dreamed about having a little girl, the more Jon and I started asking the hard questions:
1. Are we ready?
2. Can we afford another baby?
3. What room do we give it?
4. Is our house big enough?
5. Will we still have time for each other?
6. Will we have enough time to give to all of our kids? The list goes on.
After many, many, many discussions over many, many, many months we've decided that:
2. we will probably never sit down and say to ourselves, "We have so much extra money in the bank, we should have a baby."
3. That is the least of our worries.
4. If people can live in a car and turn out ok, we can fit one more person in this house.
5 and 6. Plenty of families have more than 2 kids and they make it work. Family is a priority and we are smart people. We can figure out time management.
So the answer to number 1, I think Jon summed it up best. He said, in not so many words: when you get pregnant the first time, you're just excited. You don't know what to expect and you don't know what to be scared about. When you get pregnant the second time, you know what can go wrong, you know how things change, you know that we'll have plenty of good, but we will also have plenty of bad. You are fully aware of this for #2. Voluntarily going through all that again for #3 with the added pressure of being outnumbered...its insanity! Call us crazy, because we're going for it.
We thought about trying one more time for a girl, but the thought of getting pregnant again just doesn't sound appealing to me. Not that my first two pregnancies were terrible, but Sam was definitely harder than Ben and I'm not getting any younger. Knowing that a third pregnancy could be more difficult while taking care of two boys, a husband, a house, and 2 animals scares me. So the thought of adoption came into the picture.
Fortunately some friends of ours have also (very recently) decided to adopt. We've spent many hours talking about it and sharing stories. When I came to her with question after question, she reminded me that this is a 3 person decision. Not only do Jon and I need to discuss this, but we needed to discuss it with God. The more I prayed, the more clear it became that adoption wasn't something to be afraid of or a process to be intimidated by. Adoption is a way to complete our family. We get to bring a beautiful baby girl into our family and at the same time, we get to take a little girl out of an orphanage, and give her all the love everyone deserves.
The research began. Countless hours of research, reading websites, agency material, country procedures, laws overseas and in the U.S. All that research led me to one agency. They are a Christian organization based in Ohio and sound wonderful on paper. Unfortunately, they are closed for the holidays until the 4th. As soon as I am able to talk to them and make sure they are as good as they sound, I'll let everyone know who they are and how the conversation went. The big topic of conversation will be the country. We have narrowed it down to two countries, Ethiopia and China. Ethiopia is one of the easiest places to adopt from. They are fast, organized and they are one of the most affordable. An adoption from Ethiopia will cost approximately $21,000. A typical adoption could take 9 months from application to placement. China is a bit more expensive (closer to $30,000) and adopting a healthy baby could take up to 4 years. Adopting a special needs baby from China could take less than a year. The question becomes, how much of a special need can we handle? We'll get back to you on that.
So until we can get some information and be able to take the first official step in the adoption process, all thats left are the obvious questions that have already started pouring in. Here are some answers to those questions in no particular order:
1. Why go overseas and not adopt an American baby?
I have found that American adoptions for babies (not necessarily newborns) can take longer than overseas adoptions. I don't want to wait 4 years for a baby, I couldn't imagine waiting longer than that. American adoptions are generally less reliable. Countless mothers are forced to hand the baby back to a birth parent after someone has changed their mind. International adoptions have no waiting period. Once you accept the referral, you go pick up your baby, and its your baby. Done. Unfortunately, many children available for adoption in the US are older, damaged children. Jon and I agreed that we don't want someone older than Ben and we have to be realistic about our limitations. We have two boys that require a lot of attention. It wouldn't be fair to anyone to take in a child that will need extra time to overcome abuse issues, neglect or worse. While our hearts break for those children, we just can't handle that at this time.
2. How will you love a baby that isn't yours?
Its not the best comparison, but its what I've got. I married Jon, but gained his entire family. I love them even though they aren't my blood relatives. Not all families get along, blood or not. How badly do you want it to work? How hard will you work to form a bond with someone? How can you look into a childs eyes (especially one that is 100% dependent on you) and not feel love for them? I've heard of families adopting a baby and feeling nothing when they brought the baby home. Couples who would do anything for a child of their own and then almost regret the decision once its final. Fortunately, many of those situations had a happy ending. I love my boys with all my heart, but I have room to love another baby and I'm willing to take that chance.
3. Why not foster and then adopt someone you know is a match for your family?
Simple answer--I'm not strong enough. The thought of opening my home to a child, loving it, bonding with it, treating it like they were mine and then turning them over to someone else is unimaginable to me. I have the highest respect for foster parents, but its not for me.
4. How will you afford it?
I have no idea! Fortunately, we can apply for a fund from PNC. You can go online and find a ton of places that will offer grants and loans. We will be sitting down over the next few days/weeks and will take a close look at our finances. If this is meant to happen, God will provide the way.
5. Aren't you playing God? If you were meant to have a girl, wouldn't God give you your own baby girl?
Thats a hard one to answer. I think if God didn't want us to adopt a baby girl he wouldn't have put things into place. Jon and I are both willing. When you get really honest with people, you find that not everyone could go through with adopting a baby.
He brought friends into our lives that are just a couple weeks ahead of us in this process. They have been a huge help the past few months. They have shared information, videos and have been great listeners.
Jon and I have prayed about this and I think he's happy with our decision. Maybe I'm listening to what I want to hear and its not really God. If this is what he wants for Jon and I, it will happen. If he doesn't want us to adopt a baby, something tells me it wont happen.
We will rely heavily on God throughout this process. Just think of all the people we can share God with while telling them our story!
Ok, I think that covers it, for now anyway. If you are interested in going on this journey with us, look for an update next week. If you have any questions, comments, advice, rich uncles etc you want to throw our way, please feel free.
