Later rather than sooner

Every month Holt (the adoption agency) will send out an e mail with any Ethiopia program updates. They updated the time table in the last e mail and the wait is growing. From the time we submit our dossier to the time we travel to Ethiopia can now be as long as 11months. That is the worst case scenario, but 2 months ago that was about the length of the entire program--application to travel.

Holt does a great job of breaking down every step on their website. Not only do they review what you need to be doing, but they break down what Holt does and what happens in Ethiopia. After finding out about the new time frame, I started reading about what happens in Ethiopia. I was amazed at exactly how much work goes into this process on their end. I thought it was kids going to an orphanage, someone matched them with potential parents and then the government puts through the ok and the visa. I thought the majority of the work would be done by the staff at the orphanage (or what ever homes the kids end up in), I was so wrong.

While dealing with frequent power outages, court closings, being understaffed in some departments, Ethiopian and US holidays and large case loads, the government has to have letters sent to the court to approve the adoption, locate the birth mom or dad (if living) for the court date, translate the court decree (if their are any inconsistencies, two court dates might be needed), letters need to be written to obtain a birth certificate and a passport, visa interviews and medical exams etc. That was just a small portion of what goes on.

While, I don't like knowing our wait to bring home our girl could be growing by the day, I have to appreciate all that the Ethiopian government is doing for the kids. I've heard of other country programs growing quickly like Ethiopia appears to be, and many of those programs have been shut down for months at a time to reorganize the system, avoid corruption etc. I'm so grateful that Ethiopia has been able to avoid shutting down their program for any reason and continues to place their babies all around the world. It just reinforces that GREAT things happen to those who wait!

A small exercise

I'm going to write out an exercise we did as part of our training class 2 weeks ago. I'd like you to do it. It will take about 5 minutes. If you don't have 5 minutes, stop reading. Come back when you have the time. Don't read ahead, just stop and come back later.

If you do have 5 minutes, get a pen and some paper. Yes, you need them. This isn't something you can think about and remember as you go along.

Ready? Number your paper from 1 to 10.

#1. Who is the most significant person in your life?

#2. List your most significant role in life (Christian, mom, wife, employee etc)

#3. List your support system (Best friend, spouse, parent, church etc)

#4. What is your racial or ethnic heritage?

#5. Write down the word "information". This will symbolize all the information you utilize every day in order to exist (I know how to change a diaper, I can drive to work, I can feed myself type of stuff)

#6. Where is your favorite place to be?

#7. Write the words "cultural information". This will symbolize all that you know about behavior, norms, traditions etc in your day to day life

#8. Write the word "resources". This will symbolize your work or any monetary means you have to support yourself.

#9. Write down the word "values". This is what you believe to be true.

#10. Write down any object or activity that gives you great joy or satisfaction.

Ok, here is where the "fun" starts. Look at your list and cross off 4 things you could live with out. Yes, you have to cross off four things. Anything you cross off will no longer exist in your world.

How did you do?

Ok, now cross off two more things. Yes, two more things that will no longer exist for you.

Its ok, I have a wonderful plan for you. This is going to be great, but you have to cross off just one more thing. Trust me.

So whats left? Did that suck? Hopefully, this little exercise will never be a reality for us, but this IS reality for our little girl. We were left with three things on our list. Our little girl might only be left with one or two things. I cried when we did this in class. I kept thinking about everything she would gain by being in America, in a loving home, having a big family. I never thought about how much she will leave behind.

This is part of why bonding with us will be so important. It can be a very slow and difficult process, or not. Obviously we wont know until she's here. However, right now we have to plan for the worst case scenario and pray that it wont be that bad. Because of this, we will be imposing some restrictions on EVERYONE. I thought it would be best to let everyone know what our plan is now so we wont have any surprises or hurt feelings when she gets here. Of course, this is all subject to change, but for now, this is our worst case plan.

When she comes home, we will most likely not have ANYONE over for a while. It could be a day or it could be a week. We don't know yet. Once you meet her, your visit will probably be very brief and you will most likely NOT be holding her. The more comfortable she gets being here and being with us, the longer the visits will be and the more you will be able to hold her.

All of her clothing (for a little while) will be very basic. Cotton shirts and pants. No frills, dresses, zippers, crazy designs, buttons, ruffles etc etc etc. She will not be used to any of this and will need time to adjust to "American clothes".

If you would like to get her any toys, they need to be very basic, old school type of toys. Dolls, wooden blocks etc. Anything that talks, makes music, flashes lights etc anything that doesn't require any brain activity will be held until she is FULLY adjusted.

If you are thinking about toys or activities, keep in mind that there will be a regression. They are now saying we will bring home an 8-13month old girl. In reality it will be more like bringing home a 6-9month old girl.

It is very possible that she will reject one gender. Since the caregivers are primarily female, its possible she will not want anything to do with any men, including Jon. Or she could be so fascinated by males that she rejects all women, including me. If she is terrified of you, don't be offended. Its normal.

What ever room she ends up in, it will be made girly for her, but it will be a slow process. She will be coming home to an almost completely bare room. Many of you bought decorations for the boys rooms. While we always appreciate any gifts given to our kids, don't be offended if you don't see it until weeks or months after shes home.

I think that covers the basics. Not what you expected???? Us either, but after our training we've learned how important it will be for our girl to know she can trust us, we'll take care of her and wont leave her. So, if you had visions of meeting us at the airport, a welcome home event, gram camp, babysitting and so on....you have a year to revise your visions or at least put them on hold until she is ready for them.

Critic

I took advantage of Jon being off work on Monday to run some errands with out the boys. While I was out, I saw someone I've known for several years. Someone who genuinely cares about me and my family and someone who I greatly respect. This is someone who LOVES kids. I worry that one day a mom will call the police on him. He has a tendency to not think when he sees a cute kid. He will pinch cheeks, give hugs and high 5's and gush over kids whether he knows the kids (or the parents) or not. We were talking about the adoption, and while he wasn't mean, he certainly wasn't nice. He made comments like society and our church has put pressure on us to adopt. He thinks we should do more locally. He said the more kids I have, the longer all I'll be is a mom and not a nurse. He is worried we'll end up regretting our decision especially when we start paying the big fees.

I expect that we will be criticized, but I expect it to happen when we have our little girl and are out in public. I expect people to make ignorant comments. I expect people to be cruel. I expect people to not think about how their comments will make our little girl feel. It completely caught me off guard that someone who knows me would say these things to me. I felt like he thought I was adopting because all the "cool kids" are doing it. It felt like he didn't trust me to think through such a big decision or that I wasn't thinking about my family at all. I was torn between politely explaining myself and telling him to kiss my back side.

I think I handled it well. Since he is someone I respect, I explained some of what started the adoption conversation, how we came to the decision, how the training has opened our eyes to things we never thought about and how we have prayed every day about our decision. I told him that after all the ups and downs, we are still 100% committed to the adoption process.

In the end we agreed to disagree. It crushed and completely shocked me to have this conversation with him. Is he crazy or is he the only one brave enough to say these things? I know deep down that it doesn't matter what he or anyone else thinks. When you are so excited about something, and think you're doing such a good thing, it catches you off guard to know that not everyone agrees with you.

Almost a flip flop

When we went to meet our social worker last week she told us about Bellefaires infant adoption program. The program they have is one of only a couple in the state of Ohio and is different from the programs I found when I was initially researching domestic adoptions. If you are a pregnant woman you can go to Bellefaire for counseling and they will help you come up with a plan. They give you a realistic overview of life with a baby--expenses, lack of personal life etc. If you don't feel you can raise the baby they explore family adoptions and then look at outsiders adopting the baby as a last resort. They only do 6-10 infant adoptions a year and are very proud of the low number. They believe it is best for the baby to be with the mother, even if conditions aren't perfect. If public adoption is the right choice, they show the mom profiles of waiting families and the moms pick a family. The adoptions are open so you go and meet the mom. After she gives birth, she has a waiting period of 72hours before she can sign over the baby. Once she does, they baby is yours. 3 days old, fresh from the hospital. Jon and I have been seriously considering switching to this program for the past week. Their are a ton of pros and cons in this situation. The waiting list is pretty small right now, so its very likely we could have a newborn before the end of the year, but about 50% of moms change their mind in that 72hour waiting period. The list of pros and cons is long, but the biggest con is they don't rely on ultrasounds (what if it was wrong). You need to be open to either gender. If you wait for a girl, you would have to wait for a mom who has already given birth, decided she didn't want the baby, called Bellefaire, received counseling and then signed over the baby. It could take two months or two years for that situation to come up. I love my boys, but I would still like to bring a baby girl into our family. As much as I would love to bring a baby home before the end of the year, we are committed to Ethiopia. We are excited to bring home a baby girl from Africa. It was fun (but ridiculously stressful) to think about some other "what ifs" this week, but I'm so grateful to be back on track with our original plan. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep tonight!

A little piece of happy

We finished our training yesterday. It was 9 more hours of depressing videos, sad stories and horrible stereotypes.

Bellefaire has an intern right now who is 22 and was adopted when she was 5 months old from Korea. We started the day by hearing her story. She seems likes a very intelligent, well put together, kind, light hearted girl. The kind of girl I would want my daughter to be when she grew up. Overall, she had a good story, but even with great parents and a great home, she still has "issues." All weekend, we were told about how even infants will have a sense of loss, trauma or even memories of their former life. I know our trainer is a professional and she knows what shes talking about, but that didn't seem possible. After hearing this girls story, I know she was right. She grew up with her adopted family for almost all of her 22 years. All she knew was her adopted mom and dad, but she still has a lot of abandonment issues (among others). Her story reinforced that regardless of who you are, how you parent, where you live, how old or young you adopt etc etc, you still have a lot of work a head of you.

Yesterday was its own training class so we had 2 new couples join the class. They both have adopted before. One of them is about to adopt their 7th child. It was great to hear their stories and get some insight, but it brought all the concerns and issues we will face on an even more personal level. They told stories about the racism and stereotypes they have personally faced. They talked about how one of their kids had never seen the moon and freaked out when he came here and saw it for the first time. They talked about how they literally had to teach their kids to chew food because all they were fed in the orphanage was mush. They also had to teach their little boy how to play with a toy car. We never had to teach our boys how to play with a toy. Luckily, none of these kids were from Ethiopia.

We saw some videos from orphanages from around the world. They (the orphanages) allowed us to see the best of the best. Some of their best would still be considered neglect and probably even abusive in the US. They were overcrowded, the kids weren't held, there was no interaction other than what was necessary to keep them alive, even when they were given a toy, the kids seemed to be so far gone, they didn't care. The only thing that gave me comfort was that the video we saw from Ethiopia was actually pretty wonderful. Women were actually holding the babies. They had play time and made it a point to get them into the sun to ensure they were getting plenty of vitamin D.

We ended the day talking about being a multicultural family. For the most part, we've only thought about our baby or toddler. We've given some thought to our 16 year old girl or would her potential husband be turned off by the fact that she had white parents. We hadn't put a lot of thought into the fact that when she was older, she would in a sense be on her own and would have to face the world as an African American woman, not as our daughter. It brought up even more questions and concerns.

I think the next few days will be full of praying, thinking, researching.... We haven't changed our mind about adopting, but we need to make sure the path we have chosen is the best path for us and we will be prepared to handle the issues we learned about this weekend.

Drained

Jon and I headed to Bellefaire Friday afternoon to meet our social worker and get the list of all the forms, letters etc we will need for the home study part of the adoption. Diana, our social worker, seems to be very nice and very knowledgeable about the process. She told us more about Bellefaire and their programs and the campus. It actually looks like a mini college. They have several buildings, offices and housing space for a variety of different programs, groups etc.

After dinner we headed to training. We were in class from 6:30-9:30 Friday night and from 9-8 today. We are completely physically and mentally exhausted. We have been given so much to think about. We covered things like attachment disorders and obstacles you might face when building a bond with your adopted child, the grieving process and how something terrible has to happen to them in order for something wonderful to happen to your family, open adoptions or meeting the birth parents when you travel internationally and how helping your adopted child adjust to their new life could take away from our boys. We covered the major areas of development and talked about how adoption can interfere in each area. Whether we adopt domestically or internationally, infant or older, the kids will face very similar issues and have many of the same questions. Unfortunately, it was all presented so negatively. I know they need to prepare us for the worst case scenarios, but it almost left me wondering where the positives were in the whole process. We keep telling ourselves, we are doing a good thing and just think where these kids would be if they weren't adopted. Many (especially the kids in Ethiopia) might not survive if they weren't adopted. Just when you start to feel good again, you're hit with coping disorders/unhealthy coping mechanisms, skewed views (from everyone including the kids) on your reasons for adopting, triggers causing kids (and adults) to revert back to issues of abandonment, neglect etc. I knew this wouldn't be an easy process, but there was so much we never considered. We thought the younger we adopted, the fewer issues we would have to deal with. I had no idea. Its going to take a while to process all the information thrown at us the past two days. We have one more day of training. I can't imagine whats left to cover, but it sounds like we'll have a full day.

Our boys are with my parents this weekend. I know they are having a great time, but we miss them. Talking about something that will greatly impact their lives and hearing about some of the horrors kids have to go through makes us miss them so much more.

We're trying to stick to the positives. We have so much love to give and we know we could give a little girl a life of opportunities she might not have if we gave up on this process. Giving up is not in our nature, but I'm really ready to hear about the up side of adoption.

Hurry up....and do nothing

Jon printed out 21+ pages of e mails, instructions, forms etc. Jon commented not too long ago about how amazing it is that they make you go through such a detailed process to adopt a baby, but anyone can have their own kid and people could care less if your checking account is in good standing or if the Ministry of Womens Affairs (MOWA) approves. Those are 2 of the many letters we need to provide. On top of explaining our motives to adopt from Ethiopia to MOWA, we need to provide tax returns, reference letters, letters stating we are in good standing with our bank account, employer and the police department. We need to provide birth and marriage certificates, power of attorney, medical clearances, letters stating we will comply with post placement procedures and on and on. What drives me crazy, is I'm ready to get going on this and then realized I will need a lot of the same information (of course on different forms) for the home study. Its pointless to go around getting forms filled out, signed AND notarized when I'm just going to have to turn around and go back to the same people for the same information in a couple days when we get our packet from Bellefaire. I'm organized, ready to go and now I'm waiting some more!

Paperwork

We have finally been transferred into the Ethiopia department at Holt. We received an e mail outlining the process from here on out. It includes a list of all the documents we will need to provide, information we need to obtain and forms that need to be filled out. It took 21 pages to explain everything we will need to do. As you can imagine, we have a lot of work to do. Once we print everything and I have a chance to look over everything in detail, I'll give you a better idea of what we need to do. I'm very excited to finally have everything, but a bit intimidated by the work ahead of me!