Bellefaire has an intern right now who is 22 and was adopted when she was 5 months old from Korea. We started the day by hearing her story. She seems likes a very intelligent, well put together, kind, light hearted girl. The kind of girl I would want my daughter to be when she grew up. Overall, she had a good story, but even with great parents and a great home, she still has "issues." All weekend, we were told about how even infants will have a sense of loss, trauma or even memories of their former life. I know our trainer is a professional and she knows what shes talking about, but that didn't seem possible. After hearing this girls story, I know she was right. She grew up with her adopted family for almost all of her 22 years. All she knew was her adopted mom and dad, but she still has a lot of abandonment issues (among others). Her story reinforced that regardless of who you are, how you parent, where you live, how old or young you adopt etc etc, you still have a lot of work a head of you.
Yesterday was its own training class so we had 2 new couples join the class. They both have adopted before. One of them is about to adopt their 7th child. It was great to hear their stories and get some insight, but it brought all the concerns and issues we will face on an even more personal level. They told stories about the racism and stereotypes they have personally faced. They talked about how one of their kids had never seen the moon and freaked out when he came here and saw it for the first time. They talked about how they literally had to teach their kids to chew food because all they were fed in the orphanage was mush. They also had to teach their little boy how to play with a toy car. We never had to teach our boys how to play with a toy. Luckily, none of these kids were from Ethiopia.
We saw some videos from orphanages from around the world. They (the orphanages) allowed us to see the best of the best. Some of their best would still be considered neglect and probably even abusive in the US. They were overcrowded, the kids weren't held, there was no interaction other than what was necessary to keep them alive, even when they were given a toy, the kids seemed to be so far gone, they didn't care. The only thing that gave me comfort was that the video we saw from Ethiopia was actually pretty wonderful. Women were actually holding the babies. They had play time and made it a point to get them into the sun to ensure they were getting plenty of vitamin D.
We ended the day talking about being a multicultural family. For the most part, we've only thought about our baby or toddler. We've given some thought to our 16 year old girl or would her potential husband be turned off by the fact that she had white parents. We hadn't put a lot of thought into the fact that when she was older, she would in a sense be on her own and would have to face the world as an African American woman, not as our daughter. It brought up even more questions and concerns.
I think the next few days will be full of praying, thinking, researching.... We haven't changed our mind about adopting, but we need to make sure the path we have chosen is the best path for us and we will be prepared to handle the issues we learned about this weekend.
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