One more hurdle

In Ohio, a birth mother has 72hours from the time the baby is born until the time she can sign surrender papers. Once the papers have been signed, its pretty much over for her.
We would hope that she has notified the birth father of the situation, but that isn't always the case. In order to be fair to the dads, Ohio has a paternal father registry. Dads have 30days from the time a baby is born to put their names on a registry. It basically says that he wants a say in what is going to happen to his baby.
When we were in the hospital with Ellie, the birth father did not sign the papers because he is not completely sure he is the father. He has been on board with the adoption since the beginning but, because he didn't sign, he had the right to file with the registry. If he filed, a DNA test would have been ordered. If he was the father, he could stop the adoption.
Right now, we're in limbo. Since Franklin county (and the rest of Ohio) is so back logged, if he did file with the registry, it could take 4 months to be notified that he filed. However, we would think (hope, assume, pray) that if he filed, he would have at least let the agency know. As of Friday at 5pm, his 30day mark (since the 29th was a Saturday), he had not notified the agency of anything. We don't actually think he filed or has any intention of interrupting the adoption, but its just one step closer to knowing Ellie is actually ours---now we just have to wait to make sure its clear!

A fine line

Recently Jen over at An Adoption Story reposted someone elses post about things not to say to an adoptive family, like asking are they all your "real" children or telling us how we are such a blessing to Ellie. It made me think about some of our experiences so far.
We've only had Ellie for 3 weeks, but I've already had people tell me (while Jon was with me) how great I look for having a newborn. Seriously??? Are we looking at the same kid? Ellie is beautiful, and she looks nothing like Jon or I. Do people not pay attention, are they idiots, do they really think two of the whitest people around would produce a dark skinned baby with the darkest hair possible? Jon has reminded me that when Corrie was born, she had really dark hair and it lightened up dramatically, but we're forgetting that her mom also has really dark hair. You aren't supposed to differentiate between your biological and adopted kids because you don't want your adoptive kids to think they are any less "real" than your biological kids. Obviously, Ellie doesn't understand now, but what if she did, or when she does? I have told a couple strangers that she is adopted. Am I starting a bad habit? It might not be any of their business, but is it really such a secret especially when she looks nothing like us? Obviously, how I respond to people years from now will depend on Ellies comfort level, but right now am I not treating her like an equal kid when I tell people shes adopted?
I've also had some looks from people who see Ellie, the kind of looks that make people wonder what the mail man looks like. On one hand, who cares what people think? On the other hand, why is that the first assumption? Why do I have to come off looking like a bad guy because my daughter looks different? Am I less of a parent because at this point I would rather people know shes adopted than think she isn't Jons?
Its such a balancing act. How do you boast about your daughters differences with out making her feel different? I'm sure as time goes on and we encounter more odd comments/looks, we'll figure out how to handle things. I guess for this moment I should just smile and nod when people tell me how great I look!

The other side

Ellie has been with us for 17days now. It feels like its been forever and at the same time it feels like we just left the hospital. I forgot how little newborns sleep at night and Ellie is a pro at staying up late! She must get that from aunt Corrie.
Speaking of aunt Corrie, I don't think we ever explained Ellies name. We fell in love with the name Ellie a long time ago. Its was our first pick and really the only serious name on the list for at least the last 9months of the adoption. The only issue was that the boys have names that can be shortened and its more effective to yell out their full name when they are in trouble. It wouldn't have the same ring for Ellie if that was her full name and the only name we called her. The Saturday before Ellie was born, we decided her name would officially be Elizabeth. She is named after her aunt Corrie Elizabeth. I feel like Corrie and I have become closer since we started running together, she was a huge support during the adoption process and she took on the challenge of watching the boys for a week (with the help of Gram and Pap) while we were in southern Ohio. It seemed like a logical choice. Ellies middle name is Rae which is my middle name and Ray was my dads middle name. I've been waiting for a girl to pass on that name and a little bit of the Morgan legacy.

Back to the main subject:
Everyone told us that its a bigger adjustment going from 1 to 2 kids than it is going from 2 to 3. For the most part, thats right. Having another baby in the house is pretty easy. If we were actually getting some sleep, I don't think we would notice much of a difference. The only difficult part is the practical stuff like getting out of the house and getting 3 kids into the car. It takes even longer to get out of the house and dealing with hats, coats, gloves and boots makes it that much more time consuming. Add on the fact that I'm usually carrying Ellie in one hand and Sam in the other (you don't expect him to get his boots all snowy do you????) it can be a struggle.

For the most part everything is pretty much what you would expect. The only difference between Ellie and the boys is the bonding issue. I started a post on bonding, but after a week of starting and stopping, erasing and rewording, the computer crashed and I lost the post. I was going to scrap it, but its such a major part of the adoption process, I wanted to make sure I put at least a little bit down on the subject.

We love Ellie and are so glad she is part of our family. We truly believe we were led to her by God and there was a reason we went through so much drama/stress with her delivery, but its different with her. It still feels like we are babysitting sometimes. I love her. She is being fed, changed, cared for in every way, but we don't have that instant I would die for you connection. Its like there is a how much do I love you scale of 1 to 10 and we are only at a 7 when we were at a 502 with the boys. I felt guilty for a while about that and still do a little bit. We spent a lot of time in our training classes talking about bonding, but that was when we were going through Ethiopia and would be adopting a toddler. When we switched to domestic, I didn't think bonding would still be an issue, at least not as big of an issue---it is.
I think I was expecting the fairytale where we all signed the papers and there was an instant outpouring of love and we all left the hospital whistling a happy tune. I don't know if that was just my expectation or societies, but that so did not happen! I talked to a friend of ours who has adopted twice, domestically and internationally. She assured me that everything Jon and I are feeling is normal and it will get better in time. She gave me a long list of reasons why we would feel different, but I still feel guilty. I'm a mom just going through the motions with her newborn. How can that be normal?
We were so excited when the boys were born. While we were excited with Ellie, we were also scared, stressed, sleep deprived, worried about the birth parents and the unknown, lonely, missing friends, the boys etc. We purposely put up walls with Ellie to prevent total heart break should the birth parents change their mind. One minute we were hoping for the best and the next minute she was ours. Emotions just don't switch on and off that quickly. It gets better every day. There is more and more love every day, but there is also worry that we wont get to that point with Ellie that we were always at with the boys, that she knows something is not right or that she is being deprived of some basic need because of our walls/fears/inadequacies. I have to believe that it will continue to get better and better, but that guilt is going to stay in the back of my head for a while. Its just one more thing that no one can prepare you for in the adoption process.

Part 4

Sunday:

We started our day as normal, crappy shower, breakfast in our room and baby. At 9am, she was still with us. Usually the birth mom was knocking on our door by now asking for her. Any other day it wouldn’t have been significant, but today, I was worried. We were told the social worker would be at the hospital between 9:30-10am. She got there at 10:50. The birth parents finally wanted to spend some time with the baby so we started our paperwork. After about 30minutes a nurse came in and said the birth parents were ready for the social worker. She was in with them for about an hour and a half. It felt like an eternity. If she was going to change her mind, this is when it would happen. Jon tried to keep himself occupied, but I couldn’t focus on anything else. My stomach was in knots. I could have cried from all the stress. Out of nowhere the birth father appeared and said the mom wanted to see me. My stomach sank and it felt like my heart stopped. I walked in with him to find the mom sitting on the bed with a smile on her face. She told me she was trusting me and asked me not to let her down. We took a picture with the baby then I ran down to get Jon. I let him know our daughter was waiting for us and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was finally over. The 5 of us took a few more pictures then we took our daughter and left them. I was so relieved, but I felt guilty. They looked devastated. We were taking their baby. We all know that this is how it needs to be, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Their room was right across from the nurses station. When we walked out, every nurse seemed to be there waiting to see what was happening. It was like a movie, they all turned their heads toward us at the same time just waiting to see what would happen next. I gave a quick smile and they seemed relieved for us. We took her back to our room to put real clothes on her (which were too big) and finish our paperwork. The birth parents asked for her blankets and the shirt she was wearing. They came down to get that and saw her in her going home outfit. That made me feel even more guilty. I’m not really sure why. Maybe we should have made an effort to get those things to them faster so they didn’t have to see her again. Did seeing her in real clothes make it harder for them? They took her things and left the hospital. It suddenly became very quiet. The nurses were thrilled for us. They gave us hugs and said good bye to us on the way out. We walked out of the hospital at 2pm and didn’t look back.

It was a long 4hour drive home. We headed to Jons parents to see the boys. We couldn’t get in the door. They ran out to meet us and see their sister. The next few hours were filled with tears, kisses, stories and smiles. It was so good to be home, to kiss our babies, to have a real meal and a shower.

Now we are home, trying to get into a routine with three kids. The boys are amazing. They want to feed her and burp her. Ben checks on her constantly and they smother her with kisses every chance they get. We’ve been running non stop the past few days, unpacking, taking down Christmas decorations, laundry, doctor visits, social worker appointments, getting Ben to school, grocery shopping and so on. I’m ready to sit still for a few minutes and just breathe.

We love this baby, but its different. Sometimes she gives me a weird look or takes a long time looking around the room. I wonder if she misses her birth mom or if she knows we’ve been there since she was born. I wonder if she feels misplaced or knows things aren’t quite “normal.” I wonder if she knows she is different from the rest of us. We are slowly forming a bond and falling in love with our girl. I wonder how long it will take to erase all the worries and just be.

The past week and a half was filled with a lot of crazy, a lot of emotions, a lot of bad and a lot of weird. Jon and I met two people who changed our lives. We were taken out of our comfort zone as we listened to stories of a recovering drug addict, a regretful woman and a proud mom. We saw a grown man break down as he supported his partner in making the hardest decision of their lives. I played nurse to a stranger. I watched my daughter be born. We saw two people break as they handed us their baby. I never want to do that again, but I’m so grateful for the experience and for Ellie. We wont let you down.

The end

Part 3

2.5 very long hours later, she was back. We held her every minute, worked with her on eating, tried to get some rest and not think about the real world. The dad came back in the evening and asked to take her again. After a while he came back and said he had to make some phone calls so the birth mom wants us to go down there with her. I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it is seeing her hold the baby. Shes forming a bond. I don’t know if she is just trying to spend as much time with the baby as possible before surrender or if she is changing her mind. When the dad came back we were dismissed back to our room so they could say the longest good night in history.

We switched her formula so she is eating better, but she did not sleep well last night. Between the worry, excitement, feedings etc, we aren’t getting any sleep. 4 nights with no sleep is taking its toll on our sanity.

The babies drug screening test has not come back yet. The longer it takes, the more likely it is that its positive. She is starting to show some signs of withdrawal. They aren’t too bad yet so it might just be normal baby stuff, but they are adding up.

We have two realities right now: when we have the baby and when we don’t. We promised the mom that we would not leave her in the nursery, so when we have her, we are in our room cherishing every minute. When she is with her birth parents, I feel like I can’t leave our little room. What if they try to bring her back and we aren’t here? Jon has been leaving to get our meals, when we are able to eat. I’ve made it downstairs a few times, but it feels like weeks since I’ve stepped outside.

Friday:

They came and took her again this morning. My social worker keeps telling me not to panic. This is normal, but she didn’t want to see the baby at all and now shes spending hours a day with her. We are trapped in a little room left to worry and imagine what is going on down the hall. We weren’t prepared for this. It happened so fast. We got the call we were matched and now we are here. We were so focused on preparing to bring our girl home that we didn’t stop to think about the 72hr wait to get her home. We weren’t prepared for this roller coaster of emotions. Baby did not sleep well last night. She was up about every two hours.

They came to get her just before lunch. A while later they asked a nurse to come get us. The 20feet between our rooms turned into a mile. I was sure she was going to tell us its off. We sat down and she told us how much she wants to keep her baby, but she knows she can’t. She needed reassurance that we wont tell the baby her birth mom didn’t love her. We reviewed the post paperwork plan and we all walked out feeling a little better about the whole situation. Jon and I even left the floor and got some lunch.

We got the baby back later and gave her a bath, she hated it! Once again they asked to see her and once again we were summoned to their room. The birth father has been pleasant, but quiet when it comes to anything adoption. Not this time though. Reality is starting to set in and he is terrified of saying good bye to this sweet little girl. He broke down and begged us to keep our word and not cut them out of the babies life. We tried to assure him we wont, but all he has is our word. Nothing we plan post paperwork can be held up in court. It’s a huge leap of faith for all of us.

The birth father had to leave the hospital. His dad is sick and not doing well. One more thing to add to the stress. That left me to play nurse. I guess if I walk out of here with a baby it will all be worth it.

I was complaining to Jon about all my nursing duties and the past few days. We’ve thought about how hard this will be for them, but after our talk tonight, its starting to become real. They are handing over their baby to us without knowing for sure they will ever see her again. I can’t begin to imagine what they are going through. It makes me feel terrible for having any negative thoughts toward her.

Saturday:

The baby didn’t fall asleep until 5:30am. She would fall asleep and be screaming 5minutes later. Her feedings were irregular. Once again, we got no sleep. The nurse told us they have been monitoring the baby for withdrawal. Her drug screen was negative, but it was only 50% accurate. They score her on a variety of activities. It’s a scale of 1 to 10. If she scores 3 8’s they have to notify the doctor and they will decide if medication is necessary for the baby. The scores are gradually going up. She received a 7 on her last 2 evaluations. They say if she is detoxing, it will be obvious at 48-72hrs old. That’s where we are now so we are praying this is normal baby stuff.

You know its bad when you look forward to bed time just so you have something to do. We’ve had her quite a bit today. Of course she is sound asleep. We are cuddling and watching football. Thank goodness for bowl games to keep us half way occupied. We’re in the home stretch. We have about 15hrs until the social worker gets here. Technically we could be doing the surrender at 5:39 today, but we are 2 hrs away from the social worker. That means by the time she got here, did the paperwork and got home, it would be very late. The office frowns upon night time surrenders. If the social worker got into an accident she could be in the middle of nowhere, alone, at night. A judge could also look at it and wonder why we were in such a hurry to leave the hospital. Are we excited or did we pressure the mom and now we’re running? Once again, if it means walking out of here with a baby, we’ll wait. We’ll sit in our little room and wait. The moms social worker actually suggested that she tell us to go out for a long lunch or something. Anything to get us out so we could all have a moment alone. The mom refused. I don’t know her reasoning. I don’t think I would have left anyway, but I have to laugh that she said no. I can’t wait to get in the car just to be able to sit in a normal seat. I can’t wait to take a real shower, to have a blow dryer (I forgot mine), to sleep in a real bed, to be with people who love us, to hug the boys and introduce them to their sister. I can’t wait to have some privacy and not feel like I’m a side show on display for everyone to discuss.

This one is just for you Meg. To be continued....

Part 2

We hid in the parents room a bit on Wednesday. I couldn't go through another day like the previous and I thought maybe having some alone time with her fiancé would help her relax.

At lunch time, they came up with a plan. They turned off her epidural and when it wore off, she would walk around a bit. Hopefully that would move the baby down a bit more and get labor going. If it didn't, they were going to talk c section. By 2:30 she was up and moving, she went for a half hour. She was feeling pressure and I was feeling optimistic. They put her back in bed, restarted everything that was stopped and checked her. Then I heard those words....no change. We have become experts at waiting so we waited for the doctor to finish office hours and come back to see her.

He came in just before 5pm and asked her to do the c section because their was still no change. She finally consented and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I got to go in with the birth father. We waited in the hall while they were prepping her. 15minutes felt like hours. Now I know how Jon felt when the boys were born. They started us up by her head. The mom was terrified, so much so, she had to be sedated. I watched him make the incision and then they moved me down by her feet. I actually got to watch her being pulled out of her moms stomach. It was amazing. She looked so tiny compared to the boys. Once she was free, we walked to the warmer and I got to cut the cord. It was tougher than I expected. (I have pictures, but they are not for the squeamish so ask if you want to see them). The father and I held her then went to the nursery. I'll never forget the look on Jons face when he saw her. It was instant love.

We got to listen to her heart and stay with her for the foot printing and bath. She has the best pouting face. She is going to have Jon wrapped around her finger in no time!

The birth parents asked to see her once the mom was out of recovery. I knew they were going to, but it was still a knife in the heart. It was a 45minute visit, but it felt like days. It was a relief when she came back, but it was short lived. The birth father asked if all 3 of us would go hang out with them for a while. It was awkward to see her hold my (our) baby, but their is nothing I can do at this point. The mom is in a lot of pain and on a lot of drugs. She asked to see her again to say good night. Every time we get a knock on the door, I worry that its her. I know she has a right to see the baby, but I worry that she will let emotions cloud the plan. We all know (especially her) that keeping this baby is not in her best interest or the interest of her kids and sobriety.

She stayed with us through the night. She isn't eating well, but they say thats normal right now. She slept great. We got a knock on the door at 4:45am. The mom is in terrible amounts of pain and wants to see the baby so she can focus on something else. I hate to say fortunately, but fortunately for us, she was back 15min later. The father was sleeping and the mom was in too much pain and on too much medication.

Thursday:

Its now Thursday, late morning. The mom is still in a lot of pain and refused to see the baby this morning because of the pain. The pediatrician said she looks good and was going to take the baby in to see her when he gave her the report, but she was in no condition for that. I hate to say it makes me feel good because that sounds so mean, but the less time she spends with her, the better the chance things will go as planned.

So that leaves Jon and I. We finally got a shower. Its an awful shower, but we're clean. Its amazing the difference that makes. We are alone with her in a little room. We've been here for over 48hrs and have 2-3more days of worry and missing our boys ahead of us. We love this baby, but are trying not to fall completely in love because we are afraid of losing her. Our social worker described the 72 hour wait as babysitting. Thats kind of accurate. Shes ours, but not really. We could lose her at any second until the papers are signed. We care for her, but we don't really know her. We weren't there to learn her sleep patterns, we didn't hear the heartbeat at every doctors visit, we didn't feel her move and react to our voices and activities. Shes a stranger we were given to love. We will love her completely if given the chance, but we just got a knock. She wants to see the baby...without us.

To be continued....

The story of Ellie

I've been slowly writing out the story of our week. Its full of ups and downs, but as you can imagine I'm behind on finishing the whole thing. Here is the first portion. Please keep in mind we were incredible sleep deprived this week and I was only able to write a little at a time so I apologize if its a bit choppy.

Monday night:

We drove 2hrs south to meet with the birth mom and dad and their social worker. We were going to have dinner and get to know each other. When we got there, I was very nervous. Even though they already picked us, it felt like an audition. We saw them walking in and hugged each other at the door. We sat down and she got down to business. We spent an hour discussing openness in the adoption, religious views, her medical history and looking at pictures. She was direct, blunt and very open. I appreciated all of it since I didn't really know what I was doing.

Then it was over, they didn't want to eat. They just left. I was worried, but after several phone calls, our social worker told us they really liked us. We got a good feeling about them. He is quiet, but seems like a good guy.

The next step was to drive 2 more hours south and spend the night in the middle of nowhere. We had to be at the hospital at 8am. Induction started at 9am. The birth mom told us her previous deliveries were fast. The last one went in 25minutes. We hoped for another quickie.

I think I slept an hour Monday night.

Tuesday:

We arrived at the hospital on time Tuesday morning. We met the doctors and nurses and while we were still nervous, we were there, and we knew it would be a great day. We were so wrong!

They started her meds just after 9am. The doctor had to go do a c section then was going to come back and break her water. 3.5hrs later (longest section ever) she came back and couldn't get the water to break. They did another ultrasound (they did one in the morning to verify the baby wasn't breech--she turned) to check things out and kept trying. Nothing happened. Finally at 4:30pm, it broke on its own. We were hoping that was all she needed, again wrong.

Hour after hour, nothing. She got to 6cm and stalled. It was getting late, the mom was beyond tired and hungry and she was in pain.

During all the drama, the mom and I became "special" friends. She was not a bit shy about having me help with the most intimate things. I have a whole new appreciation for labor and delivery nurses!

While I've never gone through labor and contractions, I can imagine its an awful process. We would have a couple good minutes then she would lose it. She screamed at the father, the nurses, doctors and while she didn't scream directly at us, I couldn't help but take it personally. All we heard was how painful it was, she was hungry, miserable, we were all against her, we were so mean, she was going to go home, nothing had started so she could stop at any time, it was too soon for her to be born and on and on and on. I have to admit (and I'm not proud), but I lost it. Jon and I left the room to give her a break and I balled for at least a half hour. I just wanted it to be over.

Finally at 11:30pm, the doctors gave her a break. They stopped the medication, let her eat and she got some sleep. They decided to restart the meds at 5am Wednesday. They were hoping the break would be the jump start her uterus needed to get that baby out.

Wednesday:

We were up at 4:45am. Day 2 of no sleep, no shower and little food. At 7:30, they checked her and reported she was stalled at 6cm again. The doctor told us that if it was her first baby, she would have gone into a c section by now, but since she has had several kids, they wanted to let her go a bit longer. She was on antibiotics and had no fever. The baby looked great on the monitors so no one was worried.

The hospital gave us a "parents room" right off the nursery. Its small, but it has a fold out bed so I can't complain. All the nurses have been amazing to us. They all have southern accents (apparently no one told them we're in Ohio) and are so sweet.

To be continued....