The other side

Ellie has been with us for 17days now. It feels like its been forever and at the same time it feels like we just left the hospital. I forgot how little newborns sleep at night and Ellie is a pro at staying up late! She must get that from aunt Corrie.
Speaking of aunt Corrie, I don't think we ever explained Ellies name. We fell in love with the name Ellie a long time ago. Its was our first pick and really the only serious name on the list for at least the last 9months of the adoption. The only issue was that the boys have names that can be shortened and its more effective to yell out their full name when they are in trouble. It wouldn't have the same ring for Ellie if that was her full name and the only name we called her. The Saturday before Ellie was born, we decided her name would officially be Elizabeth. She is named after her aunt Corrie Elizabeth. I feel like Corrie and I have become closer since we started running together, she was a huge support during the adoption process and she took on the challenge of watching the boys for a week (with the help of Gram and Pap) while we were in southern Ohio. It seemed like a logical choice. Ellies middle name is Rae which is my middle name and Ray was my dads middle name. I've been waiting for a girl to pass on that name and a little bit of the Morgan legacy.

Back to the main subject:
Everyone told us that its a bigger adjustment going from 1 to 2 kids than it is going from 2 to 3. For the most part, thats right. Having another baby in the house is pretty easy. If we were actually getting some sleep, I don't think we would notice much of a difference. The only difficult part is the practical stuff like getting out of the house and getting 3 kids into the car. It takes even longer to get out of the house and dealing with hats, coats, gloves and boots makes it that much more time consuming. Add on the fact that I'm usually carrying Ellie in one hand and Sam in the other (you don't expect him to get his boots all snowy do you????) it can be a struggle.

For the most part everything is pretty much what you would expect. The only difference between Ellie and the boys is the bonding issue. I started a post on bonding, but after a week of starting and stopping, erasing and rewording, the computer crashed and I lost the post. I was going to scrap it, but its such a major part of the adoption process, I wanted to make sure I put at least a little bit down on the subject.

We love Ellie and are so glad she is part of our family. We truly believe we were led to her by God and there was a reason we went through so much drama/stress with her delivery, but its different with her. It still feels like we are babysitting sometimes. I love her. She is being fed, changed, cared for in every way, but we don't have that instant I would die for you connection. Its like there is a how much do I love you scale of 1 to 10 and we are only at a 7 when we were at a 502 with the boys. I felt guilty for a while about that and still do a little bit. We spent a lot of time in our training classes talking about bonding, but that was when we were going through Ethiopia and would be adopting a toddler. When we switched to domestic, I didn't think bonding would still be an issue, at least not as big of an issue---it is.
I think I was expecting the fairytale where we all signed the papers and there was an instant outpouring of love and we all left the hospital whistling a happy tune. I don't know if that was just my expectation or societies, but that so did not happen! I talked to a friend of ours who has adopted twice, domestically and internationally. She assured me that everything Jon and I are feeling is normal and it will get better in time. She gave me a long list of reasons why we would feel different, but I still feel guilty. I'm a mom just going through the motions with her newborn. How can that be normal?
We were so excited when the boys were born. While we were excited with Ellie, we were also scared, stressed, sleep deprived, worried about the birth parents and the unknown, lonely, missing friends, the boys etc. We purposely put up walls with Ellie to prevent total heart break should the birth parents change their mind. One minute we were hoping for the best and the next minute she was ours. Emotions just don't switch on and off that quickly. It gets better every day. There is more and more love every day, but there is also worry that we wont get to that point with Ellie that we were always at with the boys, that she knows something is not right or that she is being deprived of some basic need because of our walls/fears/inadequacies. I have to believe that it will continue to get better and better, but that guilt is going to stay in the back of my head for a while. Its just one more thing that no one can prepare you for in the adoption process.