Part 3

2.5 very long hours later, she was back. We held her every minute, worked with her on eating, tried to get some rest and not think about the real world. The dad came back in the evening and asked to take her again. After a while he came back and said he had to make some phone calls so the birth mom wants us to go down there with her. I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it is seeing her hold the baby. Shes forming a bond. I don’t know if she is just trying to spend as much time with the baby as possible before surrender or if she is changing her mind. When the dad came back we were dismissed back to our room so they could say the longest good night in history.

We switched her formula so she is eating better, but she did not sleep well last night. Between the worry, excitement, feedings etc, we aren’t getting any sleep. 4 nights with no sleep is taking its toll on our sanity.

The babies drug screening test has not come back yet. The longer it takes, the more likely it is that its positive. She is starting to show some signs of withdrawal. They aren’t too bad yet so it might just be normal baby stuff, but they are adding up.

We have two realities right now: when we have the baby and when we don’t. We promised the mom that we would not leave her in the nursery, so when we have her, we are in our room cherishing every minute. When she is with her birth parents, I feel like I can’t leave our little room. What if they try to bring her back and we aren’t here? Jon has been leaving to get our meals, when we are able to eat. I’ve made it downstairs a few times, but it feels like weeks since I’ve stepped outside.

Friday:

They came and took her again this morning. My social worker keeps telling me not to panic. This is normal, but she didn’t want to see the baby at all and now shes spending hours a day with her. We are trapped in a little room left to worry and imagine what is going on down the hall. We weren’t prepared for this. It happened so fast. We got the call we were matched and now we are here. We were so focused on preparing to bring our girl home that we didn’t stop to think about the 72hr wait to get her home. We weren’t prepared for this roller coaster of emotions. Baby did not sleep well last night. She was up about every two hours.

They came to get her just before lunch. A while later they asked a nurse to come get us. The 20feet between our rooms turned into a mile. I was sure she was going to tell us its off. We sat down and she told us how much she wants to keep her baby, but she knows she can’t. She needed reassurance that we wont tell the baby her birth mom didn’t love her. We reviewed the post paperwork plan and we all walked out feeling a little better about the whole situation. Jon and I even left the floor and got some lunch.

We got the baby back later and gave her a bath, she hated it! Once again they asked to see her and once again we were summoned to their room. The birth father has been pleasant, but quiet when it comes to anything adoption. Not this time though. Reality is starting to set in and he is terrified of saying good bye to this sweet little girl. He broke down and begged us to keep our word and not cut them out of the babies life. We tried to assure him we wont, but all he has is our word. Nothing we plan post paperwork can be held up in court. It’s a huge leap of faith for all of us.

The birth father had to leave the hospital. His dad is sick and not doing well. One more thing to add to the stress. That left me to play nurse. I guess if I walk out of here with a baby it will all be worth it.

I was complaining to Jon about all my nursing duties and the past few days. We’ve thought about how hard this will be for them, but after our talk tonight, its starting to become real. They are handing over their baby to us without knowing for sure they will ever see her again. I can’t begin to imagine what they are going through. It makes me feel terrible for having any negative thoughts toward her.

Saturday:

The baby didn’t fall asleep until 5:30am. She would fall asleep and be screaming 5minutes later. Her feedings were irregular. Once again, we got no sleep. The nurse told us they have been monitoring the baby for withdrawal. Her drug screen was negative, but it was only 50% accurate. They score her on a variety of activities. It’s a scale of 1 to 10. If she scores 3 8’s they have to notify the doctor and they will decide if medication is necessary for the baby. The scores are gradually going up. She received a 7 on her last 2 evaluations. They say if she is detoxing, it will be obvious at 48-72hrs old. That’s where we are now so we are praying this is normal baby stuff.

You know its bad when you look forward to bed time just so you have something to do. We’ve had her quite a bit today. Of course she is sound asleep. We are cuddling and watching football. Thank goodness for bowl games to keep us half way occupied. We’re in the home stretch. We have about 15hrs until the social worker gets here. Technically we could be doing the surrender at 5:39 today, but we are 2 hrs away from the social worker. That means by the time she got here, did the paperwork and got home, it would be very late. The office frowns upon night time surrenders. If the social worker got into an accident she could be in the middle of nowhere, alone, at night. A judge could also look at it and wonder why we were in such a hurry to leave the hospital. Are we excited or did we pressure the mom and now we’re running? Once again, if it means walking out of here with a baby, we’ll wait. We’ll sit in our little room and wait. The moms social worker actually suggested that she tell us to go out for a long lunch or something. Anything to get us out so we could all have a moment alone. The mom refused. I don’t know her reasoning. I don’t think I would have left anyway, but I have to laugh that she said no. I can’t wait to get in the car just to be able to sit in a normal seat. I can’t wait to take a real shower, to have a blow dryer (I forgot mine), to sleep in a real bed, to be with people who love us, to hug the boys and introduce them to their sister. I can’t wait to have some privacy and not feel like I’m a side show on display for everyone to discuss.

This one is just for you Meg. To be continued....