Recently Jen over at An Adoption Story reposted someone elses post about things not to say to an adoptive family, like asking are they all your "real" children or telling us how we are such a blessing to Ellie. It made me think about some of our experiences so far.
We've only had Ellie for 3 weeks, but I've already had people tell me (while Jon was with me) how great I look for having a newborn. Seriously??? Are we looking at the same kid? Ellie is beautiful, and she looks nothing like Jon or I. Do people not pay attention, are they idiots, do they really think two of the whitest people around would produce a dark skinned baby with the darkest hair possible? Jon has reminded me that when Corrie was born, she had really dark hair and it lightened up dramatically, but we're forgetting that her mom also has really dark hair. You aren't supposed to differentiate between your biological and adopted kids because you don't want your adoptive kids to think they are any less "real" than your biological kids. Obviously, Ellie doesn't understand now, but what if she did, or when she does? I have told a couple strangers that she is adopted. Am I starting a bad habit? It might not be any of their business, but is it really such a secret especially when she looks nothing like us? Obviously, how I respond to people years from now will depend on Ellies comfort level, but right now am I not treating her like an equal kid when I tell people shes adopted?
I've also had some looks from people who see Ellie, the kind of looks that make people wonder what the mail man looks like. On one hand, who cares what people think? On the other hand, why is that the first assumption? Why do I have to come off looking like a bad guy because my daughter looks different? Am I less of a parent because at this point I would rather people know shes adopted than think she isn't Jons?
Its such a balancing act. How do you boast about your daughters differences with out making her feel different? I'm sure as time goes on and we encounter more odd comments/looks, we'll figure out how to handle things. I guess for this moment I should just smile and nod when people tell me how great I look!
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A journey in adoption
- Ponytails and pretties
- Cleveland, Ohio, United States
- I'm a wife to an amazing husband and a mom to 2 precious boys. I'm trying to become a little better at those jobs every day, with the help of God.
2 comments:
You will always run into people who are just plain clods. They may be telling you that you look good as a way of finding out if Ellie is adopted. In my opinion, you have a couple of options....when you were 4, you wanted to dye your hair black, so you could do that...and maybe do the boy's the same color, or you can just respond that you try to keep in shape. That's the truth, but says nothing about Ellie. But, as far as telling people that Ellie is adopted, I don't see anything wrong with that either. You and Jon were chosen to be Ellie's parents and I would be very proud of that. You said that God led you to Ellie, and I'm sure that's true, but Ellie's birth parents selected you and Jon. That's huge. That in all of the people in the world, black, brown, white or green, they said, "these are the best people to take care of our baby." You gave them peace of mind. I'm sure that Ellie will have tons of questions about why she doesn't look like you, Jon or the boys, but you will handle them. Remember when people thought that you were Fritz's little girl when we went to the grocery store because you both had red hair? You will make sure that Ellie knows that maybe she doesn't look like a Purdum on the outside, but on the inside, with what you have taught her and how you have raised her, on inside, she is pure Purdum (well, half Morgan, too!!) What is that old saying about adopted children...that they didn't grow under your heart, but in it? Don't worry about the clods of the world. Just have Corrie knit Ellie a bunch of sweaters that say, "No, my father is not the mailman!!" Kiss Elizabeth for me and for her Papa.
i've found that my response to some of the questions/comments people make (about how cute my kid is, or how she looks just like me, or the point-blank are they all mine questions) really depends on my mood that day.
i personally, don't think it's anyone's business whether my kid came from ethiopia, columbus, or the mailman... ;)
as you get more comfortable in your new position-as a more obvious kinda family-you'll get more comfortable w/ what you share and w/ whom...
...which leads me back to what i was saying at the beginning of my ramblings...some days, i tell strangers my kids are adopted, some days i answer thank you, and very rarely (on the really bad days) i tell people my husband and i are swingers. ;) that usually gets them to walk away fast. :)
...i'm sure ellie (and the boys) will grow up w/ pride knowing she was adopted and brought into your family because God picked her to be a purdum...and she'll be happy to declare that at the grocery store. :)
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