Part 4

Sunday:

We started our day as normal, crappy shower, breakfast in our room and baby. At 9am, she was still with us. Usually the birth mom was knocking on our door by now asking for her. Any other day it wouldn’t have been significant, but today, I was worried. We were told the social worker would be at the hospital between 9:30-10am. She got there at 10:50. The birth parents finally wanted to spend some time with the baby so we started our paperwork. After about 30minutes a nurse came in and said the birth parents were ready for the social worker. She was in with them for about an hour and a half. It felt like an eternity. If she was going to change her mind, this is when it would happen. Jon tried to keep himself occupied, but I couldn’t focus on anything else. My stomach was in knots. I could have cried from all the stress. Out of nowhere the birth father appeared and said the mom wanted to see me. My stomach sank and it felt like my heart stopped. I walked in with him to find the mom sitting on the bed with a smile on her face. She told me she was trusting me and asked me not to let her down. We took a picture with the baby then I ran down to get Jon. I let him know our daughter was waiting for us and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was finally over. The 5 of us took a few more pictures then we took our daughter and left them. I was so relieved, but I felt guilty. They looked devastated. We were taking their baby. We all know that this is how it needs to be, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Their room was right across from the nurses station. When we walked out, every nurse seemed to be there waiting to see what was happening. It was like a movie, they all turned their heads toward us at the same time just waiting to see what would happen next. I gave a quick smile and they seemed relieved for us. We took her back to our room to put real clothes on her (which were too big) and finish our paperwork. The birth parents asked for her blankets and the shirt she was wearing. They came down to get that and saw her in her going home outfit. That made me feel even more guilty. I’m not really sure why. Maybe we should have made an effort to get those things to them faster so they didn’t have to see her again. Did seeing her in real clothes make it harder for them? They took her things and left the hospital. It suddenly became very quiet. The nurses were thrilled for us. They gave us hugs and said good bye to us on the way out. We walked out of the hospital at 2pm and didn’t look back.

It was a long 4hour drive home. We headed to Jons parents to see the boys. We couldn’t get in the door. They ran out to meet us and see their sister. The next few hours were filled with tears, kisses, stories and smiles. It was so good to be home, to kiss our babies, to have a real meal and a shower.

Now we are home, trying to get into a routine with three kids. The boys are amazing. They want to feed her and burp her. Ben checks on her constantly and they smother her with kisses every chance they get. We’ve been running non stop the past few days, unpacking, taking down Christmas decorations, laundry, doctor visits, social worker appointments, getting Ben to school, grocery shopping and so on. I’m ready to sit still for a few minutes and just breathe.

We love this baby, but its different. Sometimes she gives me a weird look or takes a long time looking around the room. I wonder if she misses her birth mom or if she knows we’ve been there since she was born. I wonder if she feels misplaced or knows things aren’t quite “normal.” I wonder if she knows she is different from the rest of us. We are slowly forming a bond and falling in love with our girl. I wonder how long it will take to erase all the worries and just be.

The past week and a half was filled with a lot of crazy, a lot of emotions, a lot of bad and a lot of weird. Jon and I met two people who changed our lives. We were taken out of our comfort zone as we listened to stories of a recovering drug addict, a regretful woman and a proud mom. We saw a grown man break down as he supported his partner in making the hardest decision of their lives. I played nurse to a stranger. I watched my daughter be born. We saw two people break as they handed us their baby. I never want to do that again, but I’m so grateful for the experience and for Ellie. We wont let you down.

The end